Monthly Archives: March 2012

The Shred Bed

Gentle humans, you have probably heard of Conan the Destroyer.  I hear it was a pretty bad movie.  In fact, horrible.  Probably because it didn’t have a puppy in it!

Meet the new Conan:  Presenting, “Puppy, the Destroyer.”

Let me first give you the back story:

When mom and dad go out they leave me inside on my bed.  It can get kind of lonely, just waiting around for them to get home.  There isn’t much for a clever-but-bored puppy to do.  Sure, they leave a few toys around with which I can play, but that quickly gets old.

This puppy needs to run, and jump, and play tug-of-war with dad’s arm.

Last night they went out again.  They went to see “The Pirates of Penzance” * (which, I heard, was much better than Conan).  And where was I?  Did I get to climb over rocky mountains, skipping rivulet and fountains?  No, of course not.  I was left at home again, lying on my bed.

Which brings us up to date in our “Destroyer” plot.  I decided to make my own fun. If they were off watching pirates, I would dig for my own pirate treasure, search for my own pirate booty, chew up my own pirate bed!

And that is just what I did.

You can imagine the shock and dismay on the faces of my humans when they got home and saw my bed in shreds on the floor.  They weren’t sure whether to laugh or to cry.  I guess that’s indicative of good drama.

See, this would have been a much better movie than that Conan flop.

And, the best part is, this is only Act I!  Just wait until they see what I have planned after the intermission!

 

* If you want to see “The Pirates of Penzance”, presented by Lyric Theatre, call the box office at (408) 986-1455  or visit the website http://lyrictheatre.org/jl/currentseason/pirates2012.html.  It closes on Sunday, April 1.

Beware of Humans

“SURGEON PUPPY’S WARNING: GENTLE HUMANS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.”

I am told that many years ago someone named Darwin wrote about “Natural Selection” and the survival of the fittest.  If this is true then I am surprised that gentle humans ever made it past the caveman stage.  In fact, the cavepuppies were much more adept at survival – why they didn’t become the dominant species I’ll never know.

As a warning to all you other pets out there who may be reading this, beware of your humans.  They are accident-prone and must be watched.  For example, a while ago dad tried to run a power drill through his thumbnail.  Ouch.  Then, this past weekend his other thumb found out how sharp the knife was.  Ouch.  And a week ago mom caught her pinky when she closed the car door on it.  Ouch.

It is one thing when humans do all these things to themselves, but sometimes we pets get involved in their ouch-making carelessness.  The purry-things in this house are always complaining about their tails being stepped on.  Me-Ouch.

And I have to be very careful when I sleep near the computer desk that they don’t roll over my soft, furry ears with the chair wheels.

Good thing that has not happened yet.  It would not be nice.

Yes, gentle humans can be hazardous to the health of clever puppies.  You have been warned.

 

Hide and Think

Dear gentle humans, I know that you haven’t seen or heard much from me lately.   Well, there is a very simple reason for that:  I have been hiding.

Sometimes I just have to get away and ponder by myself, so I look for a quiet place to hide and I sit … and watch … and think deep thoughts.  Here I am, in one of my pensive moods.  Can you find me?

I bet you’re having trouble seeing me in my hiding place, but I can see you! I can watch everything that you do as I sit and cogitate.

You might wonder what it is that a clever puppy has to think about.  You’d be surprised.  We pups think of lots of things, like when it is time to eat again, and what we will be chewing up next, and what are the probabilities that life will be found on any of the earth-like planets that are being discovered, such as Kepler-22b.

Oh, I see that you found me.

All right, in that case, let’s go play!

There will plenty of time to think later. The world’s problems can wait another day or two until I solve them.

Besides, it is hard to solve world problems on an empty stomach.  So, after we play, we eat.  Right?

Got any puppy treats in your pocket?

 

Going Bowling

I have heard gentle humans refer to something as the “Super Bowl.”  Now, I don’t know what this is, but I imagine that it must be a very big bowl, a HUGE bowl, something that can hold supper for a very hungry puppy.  I would like to have a super bowl.  But what do I get instead?

What is the opposite of “Super?”

In the place where my bowls are, I found: my dinner bowl, my water bowl, and something that I can only describe as the “Tiny Bowl.”  What, for puppy’s sake, is this little bowl doing there?  It is hardly big enough to hold a few pieces of kibble.

So what did I do with it?  The logical thing:  I picked it up.  Or tried to, anyway.  It wasn’t easy to get a good bite on it, but I finally grabbed it and held it up for dad to see.

“Please, sir, may I have … some more?”

After I decided that it wasn’t worth getting any food in it, I tried playing with it.  What fun!  I’ve found that if you put it on the smooth kitchen floor, upside-down, you can push it around with your nose like a hockey puck.  It will slide here, and I will push it again, and it will slide there, and I’ll chase it again.  All the time it makes a great clanking and banging noise … I love it.

But still, I wonder why it was there in the first place. Certainly it wasn’t meant for my dinner.  It is just too small.  Even the purry-things would want a bigger bowl.

Maybe it is supposed to hold something besides dinner, like an appetizer?  Or — do I dare even dream about this — maybe it is the Dessert Bowl??!!  Can you imagine it filled with ice cream??

Mmmmmmm, yum.  I will just have to patiently wait, and hope.  I’ll just wait, and hold this bowl for them to see.  Here I am, waiting…  …   “Hey Mom, this puppy wants Ice Cream!”

(OK, so maybe I don’t do such a good job at the patiently waiting part …)

 

Sophisticated Puppy

I have heard, gentle humans, that having a pipe in your mouth made you look more sophisticated.  That it gave an image that was more mature, more suave, more debonair.

So I thought that I would try it and see.

I found a pipe lying in the yard and picked it up.  I think it felt pretty good in my mouth.  I played with it, and dropped it, nudged it with my nose, and then picked it up again.

It made me happy.  It made me excited.  But, did it make me sophisticated?

There’s got to be more about being debonair than just sticking a pipe in one’s mouth.  While it felt good, it didn’t seem any different that carrying around a piece of string, or a tennis ball, or a squeaky chicken.

You know, I think that I am a pretty sophisticated puppy, even without the pipe.  What do you think?  You can leave comments below.

Oh, one last pipe thought … dad asked me how I was going to light it.  Huh?  Why would I ever want to do that??

At the Movies

I watched a movie last night.  Really.  I watched it.

It is an old movie called “Homeward Bound” and it was all about animals.  There were three pets: a Golden Retriever (like me), a scamp of a pup, and a purry-thing, all going for a long hike in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

It was fun, and exciting.  I particularly liked the part where the puppy launched the purry into the big litter box!

And where the dogs got to jump and play in the water (like when I played in our pond in the back yard).

I especially liked the scenes of the dogs running, and running, and running.  I wanted to run with them.

Wasn’t sure about the part with the bear, however.  First of all, it was a grizzly bear, supposedly the mommy bear with two cubs, but the cubs were definitely black bears.  Didn’t the movie people think that a clever pup like me would see the difference?  Besides, the bear took away the fish from the dogs.  What kind of injustice is that?!

But all-in-all, I would recommend this movie for every pet, even the purry-things, because it shows how loving, and faithful, and devoted we pets are.  I think that even you gentle humans would like it, although I doubt very much that you would get all the pet-related inside jokes.

That’s okay … although you can’t enjoy it from a deep, philosophical viewpoint like we pets can, you will still like the movie, albeit only superficially.  We can’t all be perfect.

 

Feed Me!

Hello, gentle humans.  Today’s “Peanuts” comic strip got me thinking about eating — well, to be honest, there are lots of things that get me thinking about that subject.  But when I read this comic I realized how very dependent we pups are when it comes to suppertime.

Can we just go and dish out our own kibble?  No, we have to wait for you forgetful humans to remember to feed us.  Can we unscrew the lid to the puppy treat container? No, we have to wait for you busy humans to give us another goodie.

And one time, as I watched and waited while you humans were preparing your own dinner (and had forgotten about mine, I might add), you finally noticed me and gave me a little piece of what you were chopping up.  It was something called garlic!!  Phew, I spit that right out.  What was it?  It wasn’t chicken, it wasn’t beef, it wasn’t even broccoli.  It rolled around like a little ball.  I played with it, rolled it, then gave it another chance.  I ate it.

But, don’t you think it would be so much better if we clever puppies could make our own meals?  No more of this kibble and canned stuff.  I’d go for the prime rib, and the fresh trout, and don’t forget the donuts!  Yumm.

Enough dreaming … gotta go remind dad that it’s time to feed me.

 

Panda Expressed

Dad is a zoologist.  At least, that is what he studied in some place called college.  And, during those studies, he probably dissected a lot of things: squirmy-things and slimy-things, creepy-things and swimmy-things.  Maybe even purry-things.  But he probably never dissected a squeaky-thing.

I have.

Mom and dad were trying to watch the television, but they couldn’t hear any of the dialogue because of a loud, regular squeaky noise.  Coming from me, the clever puppy.  But they couldn’t figure out what was making the squeaks, because none of my squeaky toys were near me.  They finally looked in my mouth, and there they found a squeaker.

The squeaker from the tug-a-panda that I had just finishing dissecting.

I really loved playing with that panda, but once I finished with the dissection, and removed squeaker, mom tossed out the carcass.  I couldn’t believe it!  There was still lots of stuffing that needed to be removed from that tug-a-panda.

I tried to dig through the garbage (wow, there is lots of fun and exciting stuff in there!) but they took it outside somewhere before I could retrieve the tug-a-panda.  They also took away the squeaker (I guess they didn’t want me to become a clever squeaky-puppy).

So I sat there, and looked at them, and they felt sad for me.  So they got out a big box, and inside it was another, brand-new, tug-a-panda!  Hurray!  I couldn’t wait to begin playing with it!  I played tug-a-panda with them right away, and when they got tired I played with Colleen.

And soon, when they are not looking, I am going to dissect this squeaky-thing also!